Loosing Hurts

Today I had to put my sweet Lilly to sleep.

Lilly was actually a dog who came to me 3 1/2 years ago after being re-homed several times by various well meaning people, all whom should have never owned a Border Collie.  Luckily, Lilly ended up in a breed rescue, where I adopted her after she was returned by a previous owner.  Unbeknownst to myself and the rescue, Lilly had a bite history with several bites that the owner who turned her back in did not make known, and by the time I had Lilly in my possession, I had already committed to her.

From day one, Lilly was a challenge.  She was bold, fearless, relentless, and had a spirit I admired.  She had a "take no shit" attitude, and was a workaholic.  If you hang around in dog sporting, you will hear folks say:  "Oh, my dog has drive!"  And I will assure you, no matter how many folks have told me that over the last 3 1/2 years, Lilly had more drive than any dog I had ever met.  Sadly, along with this insane work ethic and drive, came some aggression issues.  It was manageable.  I knew it was there, and I felt like I could keep the other folks and animals in my family safe.  Until this week....

The Reluctant Farmer called me while I was on vacation and said Lilly had attacked our pit bull mix, Suzi, on the shoulder, ears and neck.  She had taken Suzi to the vet and had her doctored up, but she wanted my opinion.  It was decided she would separate the dogs and I would deal with Lilly when I got home.  Then The Reluctant Farmer sent me a picture of Suzi and my heart nearly stopped.  Suzi had several puncture wounds about her head/neck, but the worst was this HUGE hematomba that was the size of a small basketball on her shoulder.  It was horrible!  If it was any other dog, I would think that maybe the other dog did something to provoke Lilly, but I can 100% guarantee Suzi has never picked a fight with anyone.    

Last night when Kay and I arrived home, I took one look at Lilly's eyes and knew something was different with my girl.  Call it intuition, call it paying attention to detail, whatever, but I knew something was off in her eyes.  We all discussed Lilly and what this new bout of aggression would mean for our family in terms of  controlling her environment, and it was discussed that her recent change in behaviour was making some of the other family members nervous.  As I was pondering just what to do, I looked down at Lilly and her head started ticking in a seizure like motion.  I called her veterinarian, and made an appointment to bring her in first thing this morning.

Our wonderful veterinarian discussed all of Lilly's symptoms with us, and she said she could refer us for additional testing at a state hospital, but warned us that likely the results would be the same, and she was leaning towards a brain tumor being the cause of Lilly's eyes being off and her suddenly worsening aggression issues.  After a consult, it was decided that in order to keep our family safe and to be fair to Lilly, euthanasia was the best option.

I loved Lilly with my whole heart.  She was one of those rare "soul dogs", the kind that are once in a lifetime companions.  This experience has changed me.  She has changed me.  I'm not sure if I will ever rescue a dog of that caliber again, simply because I'm not sure if my heart can handle the "goodbye" and the feeling of loosing.  I'm at a complete loss right now.....

Going My Way

"Sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be.  The person you want to be.  The person you are."  H.G. Wells

Today I was reminded exactly why it's important to live for me.  The picture on the left popped up in my friend's Time Hop on Facebook and I was blown away by my transformation.  I remember the picture on the left.  I remember picking out that shirt, before going to play bingo with my friends.  I remember being so mad that the shirt "fit" me.  I was so fat, bigger than I had ever been.  My relationship was not fulfilling and I was convinced I was stuck.  I was convinced if I made a move, I was a jerk.  A jerk who didn't deserve happiness.  I was wrong, and although it has not been a pain free process, I over the last few months have figured out who I am, what I deserve, and I am just going to move forward.  I want to be the best "me".......

I'm going my way.

You are welcome to join me and come along for the ride.  Hell, I will even carry your bags for you!

But, gone are the days when I disembark the train, stand there on the platform, holding someone else's luggage while looking around and saying to myself:  "But, I don't want to be here."

Gone are the days where I hold onto someone else's shit just because that's what a "nice" person does.  I will continue to be "nice", but they can hold their own luggage while I alight the platform or move on down the track.

I'm going to just keep being me.
Doing me.
Living for me.

I want to be surrounded by people who want to be the best version of themselves.
Who want to grow and evolve if needed.

I want to give the best version of me as well as receive the best version of the folks whom are in my life.

I know I may have to wait for the train to pull into the station the second time in order to pick up a few people who missed the train the first time, and I'm okay with that.  We all evolve at different rates.

Just know when the train comes back around and we give/receive the best versions of ourselves, it will have all been worth the wait......

Narcissistic Dating, and Cowgirls

My attorney has advised me to make it very, very clear that the content of this blog contains my personal thoughts and opinions only. Any similarities between what I post here and real people or real events is mere circumstance. No seriously, just the ramblings, warnings and mere opinions of a badly burned lover.....

I met her at a horse show.
A chance encounter really.
I has a colicing horse, she had Banamine.

I mentioned contacting another woman, who happened to be her ex-girlfriend, about riding lessons because after loosing 40 pounds this year because I wanted to learn to lope a horse.

She was more than happy to give me the lessons instead.  I went to her house for my riding lessons, and she portrayed being this positive person who was so badly abused by her ex-girlfriend, and I bought into it.  We then started dating and for a bit, it was great.  She was funny, happy, had this smile that could light up my soul, 2 great children, and seemed so genuine.  We started with the "I love you's" and talks about the future together.  Then, several weeks into the relationship, shit got real.

Suddenly, things that had been okay were no longer okay and I was being asked to prove myself over and over again.  I was being forced to prove my integrity because she kept saying things like: "If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing!" or "If you can't prove it, then your lying and I want nothing to do with you."  She had this way of taking something that was her fault, something where I knew I was not in the wrong, and twisting it around and around until I was sure it was my idea.  Like I was the crazy one.

Hi, my name is Emily.  I'm afraid I dated a narcissistic sociopath.

Sociopaths are masters at taking your words and turning them back on you as if you were the crazy one.  When confronted by a lie, they have this innate ability to make you question yourself.  This is a famous characteristic called deflection or manipulation.  They do this because where we all know they lie, cheat, steal, emotionally, physically & financially abuse, they will never admit to that.  They have to take the accountability off of themselves by deflecting your accusations, manipulating your words, and twisting the truth back to you!

Even armed with "evidence" that you are correct, via text or whatnot, the narcissistic sociopath will stare straight at the evidence and deflect your words right back on you!  And God forbid you push for the truth, they then manipulate, twist your words and talk in circles so long that you actually believe their lies.  And let me tell you, there is multiple layers of lies!  This is because it goes against every grain in their body to admit a fault, to a lie, or to a defeat.  They just lie on top of lie, on top of lie.  Like a giant narcissistic sandwich!  And their innocent victim is nothing but a blob of mustard, surrounded by bread and stuck in the middle.....

Pony Girl had text messages on her phone talking to Ex-girlfriend about me:

"I know Emily is not right for me, but she is right for my kids."
"Emily is not even my body type."

I would try to talk to her about it stating that if she didn't like me, I would go, explaining I was not dating her kids, I was dating her.  She would insist: "Oh, you are taking things so personal.  I don't know what I meant by that."  And the next thing you know, after hours of talking in a circle, she would twist it around to make me believe she really did love me, I was a horrible person for not trusting her and I would think in my head: "Wow, I just really read a lot into that text message!"  Um, NOOO!

If you are dating a narcissist or a sociopath, you need to believe your evidence.  You need to hold onto the fact it is the truth.  Do NOT delude yourself into believing your sociopath unless they admit to your evidence.  And do not drop it!  I was guilty, time and time, of this.  We would fight, it would be hours of talking, and the next thing you know I would be holding her on my chest, while she cried, telling her how it would be okay, and I would apologize over and over again.  I now know, I was enabling her to continue the lies, manipulation and deflection.  She needed to be accountable for her words, actions and truth.

Sadly, I saw the same pattern in text messages with her ex-girlfriend.  The ex-girlfriend would be steadfast in her conviction that Pony Girl was "nothing but drama".  She wanted "nothing to do with her" and "her business was better off without her".  And then before you knew it, Pony Girl would have that poor woman eating out of her hand again.  (I can only hope that Ex-Girlfriend came to her senses again later...)  After reading these text messages and watching video I realized that where it takes two people to Tango, Ex-girlfriend was being put through the wringer, and it dawned on me that where Pony Girl had worked super hard to make everyone in her camp believe Ex-Girlfriend was this horribly abusive monster, it's my opinion that most of that was likely lies and bull shit.  Ex-Girlfreind was being made to grovel and "fight for her relationship" just like I was made to.

If you are reading this, are patiently suffering through the hell I just walked through, and your sociopath has not put you in the loony bin with their antics, my advice to you would be this.  First, go pour yourself a glass of wine.  (You deserve it!)  And then take your facts and evidence, make yourself believe again, remember you are not dealing with a normal, truthful, emotionally available individual, and run to the nearest available exit as soon as the crazy train stops.  Because let me tell you, the next step is NOT pretty.  Once a sociopath realizes you are on to them, they just go further into the control factor, trying harder with manipulation and deflection and you will be jumping through even more hoops than you ever have before.

At this point for me it was submitting all my cell phone usage reports and bills.  (I never did figure out what she was looking for.  Someone close to her said:  "Nothing.  She is looking for nothing.  This is what she does.")  I now know this was just a way to control me.

I was not allowed to attend holidays with my family, and when I went to my parents house briefly to drop my daughter off and to visit my nephews, I was accused of lying and was kicked out of her house.  She knew I hated when she accused me of lying, and she did this as a way of controlling me.

I was required to submit medical records for a medical diagnosis my child had 2 years prior.  And when I submitted them  to her, she didn't believe me stating that "Even though it was a hard copy of the medical chart, she needed to do research to see if the therapist was real."  WHAT?!  I didn't even know why this information was pertinent to our relationship.  I now know, it wasn't.  This was just a form of control.

To my friends who tried and tried to get me to run away from this, and the friends who tried to drag me away from this, thank you.  I now see what you saw, and you are right.  This appears to be her true character and I don't surround myself with people like her.  I am sorry you had to witness me walk through this, but thank you for your kindness, listening to me cry and allowing me to heal.  You know I grieve as big as I love, and I love big.

Lastly, Pony Girl if you are reading this I pray for you.  You clearly need to take an honest inventory and work on yourself.  And when you are being honest with yourself, if that ever happens, I hope you realize you gave up someone who was honest, loyal, safe, supportive of you and your barn, and who loved you and your children unconditionally.  A woman who just wanted those same things from you in return.....  And when you read this and your first instinct it to jump and say: " I was honest 100% of the time!"  I want you to stop, take a deep breath, and know I know so much more about you now then I did before and you were far from being the honest person you swore you were.  You need to take ownership of your shit.  Let it start here.......

 

Mascot of the Tire Store

 

I've had a pesky rear tire that keeps going flat every few days.  It turns out it has a slow leak in it due to a nail.  Today, Blake and I set out to have it repaired at the local discount tire store.  Blake clearly had a better time than me.  I had to shell out over $100.00 for a tire.  Blake weaseled a child out of some french fries and a chicken nugget.....

Beauty in the Now

 

This week I took a leave from work, and I'm spending my time on Pony Girl's farm.  There is something beautiful about being on her farm.  The simplicity of helping to feed the horses is what I enjoy the most.

There is comfort in being greeted by a whinnying chorus of hungry charges on a crisp winter morning, the smell of horse sweat and molasses in the air, and the rhythmic chewing of hay.  Where I feel like most of my life is hurried, I don't rush through this task, I instead love to set my pace and let my stress melt away.

From the moment grain hits a bucket, or twine is cut on a bale of hay, there's a peace in knowing you're providing for another being.  It's primal, it's humbling, and there is an easy silence that resonates deep within my soul.  It makes everything right in my world and it's a miracle I am privileged enough to witness every morning this week. 

Home

From the moment my tires hit the gravel driveway, I can feel the stress of my life melt away.

Here, I feel at home: mind, body and soul.

There is no judgement, only acceptance, and I yearn for the easy silence that I find here.

It's funny how life works.  

In the midst of chaos, my heart has found happiness and a place to call home......

Hard Decision, Authentically Me.....

One of the challenges I face as an author is oftentimes how much to share with my audience.  I feel an obligation to share with you the funny and the good things going on in my world, but I get stuck when it comes to the personal aspects of my life.  

I have been writing this post all week and after talking with a dear friend of mine last night, I realize I need to be honest with not only myself, but with you as well.  I know I don't "owe" anyone anything, however I sort of feel if you choose to live your life publicly, if you invite folks in with your words and wit, encourage them to sit down with a warm cup of coffee, and invest in your craft, you do owe them the truth.  

Life is not just fluffy bunnies and rainbows.  Life is the good, the dissenting, and at times is downright hard.  Today's post is not injected with humor and cute pictures of my animals.  Today's post is raw, and it's real.

This week The Reluctant Farmer and I ended our relationship.  

This decision was not easy, and it was not taken lightly, however it was one I had to make.  You see, in life, I try to be 100% real 100% of the time.  Likely, this is why I always have something to write about.  Last year I went to a workshop on how to be my best self, and I had to identify with the fact I had questioned my romantic feelings towards The Reluctant Farmer for some time prior, and identified that even though she has so many amazing qualities, I thought of her as more of a friend.  I had marinated and meditated on this for quite some time, and finally I had to "come out" with what I was feeling in order for me to live my authentic life.

For now, The Reluctant Farmer and I are going to continue living together as roommates.   I think this arrangement will work out for the both of us, as well as Miss K and the animals.  I pray we can make it through this and come out on top as friends.  As always, thank you for showing up to read what I write, and for standing with us as we embark on our next adventure......