Reflect, Redirect and Reset... Coming Out of Covid

In these past few months of Covid-19 I have lived a whole other life, like any other life, parts of it have been amazing, parts of it have been painful, and most of it I pray I will never experience again.


When this all started a dear friend of mine said "Use this time to workout, to keep on a schedule, and to come back a better version of yourself." I wanted to say I was going to be one of those people coming out of the Covid-19 debacle an enlightened person, one who was changed for the better, but that's just not how it was for me. I am coming out of it alive, but wounded, occasionally hyperventilating, and clinging to shreds of a life I once knew, much like Rose and Jack desperately clung to that door in the final scenes of The Titanic. (Which we all know could have held them both, but that's for a different conversation....)

Covid brought with it an uncertainty and an unknown that I have never experienced before, and it found me at a time when I was already questioning my life's direction anyway.

Then suddenly I found myself washing my hands 57 times a day, wearing a mask, standing 6-17' feet away from everyone, learning how to attend Zoom meetings, and side-eyeing anyone who sneezed or coughed within a 1 mile radius of me.

During this period I was furloughed from my job, and I spent 12 weeks-ish wondering and praying to any deity who would listen, to please let me have my job back. I spent countless hours worrying about my finances, and what I was going to do if I didn't get back to the job I loved, and for the most part, I did this silently because I didn't want to burden anyone else or look weak.

Then in order to forget my career concerns, I buried myself in another life, one that kept me busy, allowed me to resolve some things from my past, and where I will forever be grateful I was able to resolve that in my soul, I am absolutely jubilant to have permanently nailed that door shut after taking out the trash.

During this pandemic I have tested my relationships with friends and family, and where they were mostly supportive of my "come-apart" I know I have hurt people as I have unapologetically walked my walk.

Things have since gotten back to a semi-normal rhythm, but I still felt completely drained and emotionally beat to hell, and I know myself well enough to know I needed a reset. I needed to sit, to be quiet, and simply think. Even though not all the changes that resulted from Covid-19 were bad, and some of them were long overdue, any change, even for the better, can be difficult when the rest of the world/your life is changing so rapidly around it.  Therefore, two weeks ago I booked a self-isolating trip to Maine. I needed to visit Maine in order to research my current book, and I could think of no better way to quarantine than by staying in a rustic cabin in the woods away from everything and everybody. It would give me plenty of time and space to reflect, redirect, and reset.

I can tell you a "reset" is exactly what I needed. I needed to be away from the world, to sleep outside, and to get lost in nature. I needed to walk barefoot so I could feel the earth, to swim in a lake, and to hike the mountain. I needed to get lost in order to be found again. I guess that is enlightenment.....

Next Best Thing to Heaven

At the end of my life, I don't want to look back on things and say: "I wish I would have done that."
I don't want to look back and realize I missed out on the simple things in life.
I have always wanted to sleep outside, but not in a tent.
The practical part of my brain always dissuades the part of my brain that's still 10 years old from trying this because Ohio is full of mosquitoes, and both parts of my brain agree they hate those blood suckers, therefore it's never happened.
Until tonight.....

It's currently 58 degrees tonight in Maine, and there are virtually no bugs out right now.
This paired with the fact we have access to a screened in porch?

The perfect sleeping weather, and outside!
Not in a tent.

To hear the sound of the waves gently lapping against the shore line, while the trees dance in unison above our heads. The fragrant smell of pine trees and smoke from the fire drifting about us.

Maine has to be the next best thing to Heaven....
My guess is I will sleep better tonight than I have in years!

Thirteen

I have not had chicks for over 4 years here On the Urban Farm, but if you know me, you know I absolutely adore chickens! One of the things I missed the most about being at Pony Girl’s farm was the chickens her daughter and I had together. So yesterday, I ordered chickens to have at my house. 

I was supposed to pick them up from the hatchery at the end of September, and I was super excited for the fall to get here, so I could be back in the business of owning chickens again, and then The Nurse and I went to the local farm store today to pick up vegetable plants for our garden tonight , and I was surprised by all the chicks they had available for purchase.

Upon looking closer at the chickens, most of the pens had no water in them, there were chickens that had been trampled to death by the overcrowding, and a lot of the babies had Pasty Butt from the stress and standing in wet bedding. 

The Nurse and I decided to just buy our 12 chickens here, and be done with it. After waiting for over 20 minutes, with no store associate to assist us, even though we had asked 3 different people to help us, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I was loading my babies into boxes when some young girl came up and said: " Seriously, no one has touched these chickens since I left at 2 pm!" She and I went on to discuss the fact she was a store employee and the fact that no water, and dying birds was common practice for this store, and she explained she was appalled. By this time I had already loaded my 12 chicks and was getting ready to make my escape to the cash register, when I looked down and in the last pen was 2 very big chicks and 1 insanely small chick. I explained to the employee that the smaller chick had Pasty Butt, and if they didn't treat it, the poor bird would be dead by tomorrow morning.

The young employee in a hurried, hushed tone, said, "Just take that one with you. If it dies, we don't get paid anyways." So, I snuck the small bird into the box with the others and decided to take her home with me. We have her all cleaned up, but she is SO small. She is trying to eat and drink, however we've had to resort to grinding up her food because she just can't handle the normal sizes of chicken crumble. 

I know chickens are a farm animal.

I know she may not live through the night.

However, I'm a firm believer that sometimes, all we need is the chance.

Meet Thirteen.

Hopefully given the chance, she will be okay.

I will keep you posted on her progress.....

I'm Majestic and You're a Narcissistic Ass

My head has known the entire time that you were not good for me, that you were going to hurt me again, and everyone warned me to walk away from you.
Most people told me to run.
But, my heart wanted to believe in you.

My heart wanted to believe you were the person you said you were, that you were the victim you claimed to be.
It wanted me to trust you.
However, after riding this ride with you yet again, I am now reminded just how wrong I was about you then and am now.
I'm not sorry for the time we've spent together as friends over the last 3 months.
I have relished the time we've spent together with kids, horses, laughter, and adventure.
I haven't, for one minute, regretted supporting you through a progressive disease that will continue to rob you of your ability to live your normal life.
And truthfully, I would sacrifice it all over again, because that's what you do when you love someone....

I'm not sure you have the capacity to love anyone the way you expect to be loved in return.

But, I have given you everything I have, and with no condition.
I hope one day you will realize I did truly care for you.
I promise you will miss me being there, putting up with you, and refusing to give up on you.
You're going to regret everything you've done to me, including all the damage and pain that you've caused, and lies that you've told.
Someday, you'll look back and wish things could be different.
I might have been worthless to you, but that's okay because I am of great value to myself.

In all honesty, a friendship would have never worked between us.
I'm a unicorn, and you're a donkey.
I'm majestic, and you my darling, are a narcissistic ass....

It's time.....

This holiday season had me in a funk.
I wasn't festive, and try as I might, I just could not get into the holiday spirit.
Instead this year, I felt a deep yearning to just simplify.
I really felt wrapped up in the commercialization of it all, therefore I really just wanted Christmas to go away.
This year, I wanted New Years.
I want the fresh start, the possibility of 366 (Leap year!) days before me.

2018 nearly broke me.
2019 allowed me to breathe, but I still felt somewhat lost from 2018.
2020, I'm looking forward to purging and decluttering my body, mind, and finding my rhythm again.

I'm not proclaiming just one resolution this year.
I'm going bigger!
I'm going whole lifestyle change.

Here's to finishing my book, packing my lunch, discontinuing my nail biting habit, not spending money in the gift shop at work, writing everyday, purging my house, setting and sticking with a schedule, loving more, judging less, saying yes, reading more, going to church on Sundays, getting up earlier, going to bed earlier, making a budget and sticking to it, eating better, exercising more, and cussing less.

My plan is to reclaim me in 2020.....
It's time!

Saying Goodbye...

Rascal (Roo) was The Nurse's dog before we met, and he came to her as a puppy 12 years ago. Best we can tell, he is a labrador retriever-husky mix, with his jovial personality, the shedding of hair like glitter at a drag show, and his boisterous bark that regularly reverberates the walls of our house. 

We have been suspecting the day to say goodbye would be coming for quite some time now, as Roo has been fading recently. Not wanting to eat, sleeping more, and due to a 4/5 heart murmur, he is now having difficulty breathing. 

Every good life deserves a fair death, and where the loss of this guy is going to leave a hole the size of Montana in our hearts, we know the fair thing to do is to say goodbye. 

Say a prayer, light a candle for our family today as we say goodbye to the happiest dog on the planet.

We'll see you at the bridge, Roo where you'll be waiting for us with a wagging tail and exuberant barking...

Quieting My Mind

To say I have been struggling lately would be an understatement. I just feel disconnected and spiritually unfulfilled. I have enough spiritual awareness to know that is a dangerous place for a person like me to be. My mind is my greatest muse. Fed she is lovely and tame, but not fed properly, she is like a misguided missile, darting back and forth with no method to her madness, and with no clear place to land, she has the potential to leave serious damage in her aftermath.

I'm not sure what is internally upsetting me so much except to say, I have been under a lot of personal and professional pressure as of late, and in the quest to hold all my shit together, I have realized I am doing a really bad job of being true to who I am and I'm not listening to what my body says I need to be doing. I've been living like a 9-year old kid left home alone: my boundaries are absent, I eat whatever I want, go to bed late, and spend money like it's my job.

I have reached a breaking point several times recently, and that's when it became clear, I need to quiet my mind and to just be still in order for the answers to show themselves to me. So, I have come to the mountains to reflect, to disconnect, to write and to feed my muse. I needed to remove myself from the noise, the chatter and the drama of everyday life. My phone and I needed a separation, and Facebook and I needed a break like two lovers on a 2 week cross country road trip in a Chevy Chevette in the 1980's. (Google search that car if I am showing my age by using that as a reference....)

So far, I have lived without my phone for three days. I have been writing, reading, and have not gotten out of my pajamas, except to get in and out of the hot tub. My mind is a little more clear, and I feel a little less maniacal since there are no imbecilic people on the mountain with me. I hope that I can come off this mountain with a renewed mind, and an clear understanding of what my next move should be....