Monday, March 2, 2015

Identity Theft and Herpes....

So, tonight I had 400 things to get done on my "to-do" list.  You know, important things like anything BUT what I am about to share....

I was sitting at my desk when a text message came across my phone stating:  "We have found suspected fraudulent activity on your credit card in the amount of $45.00 for CL Media.  Category: Dating Services.  Did you complete this transaction?"

Immediately my heart fell, because I know I did NOT spend $45.00 on an Internet dating website, and that left me with 2 options....

1)  The Reluctant Farmer had finally gotten sick of my crap, and decided to replace me with a younger, kinder, and saner woman who doesn't have 7 dogs....


2)  Someone stole my credit card number and was using it to find their cyber soul mate!

Like the logical woman I am, I called The Reluctant Farmer at work to see which of these scenarios was the correct one.

Me (Very nonchalant):  "Hi honey!  There happens to be a charge for an Internet dating site on our credit card in the amount of $45.00.  Would you like to tell me anything?  Is there something I need to worry about?"

Her (Not amused...):  "Um, no....  I have not used our credit card lately."

Me:  "Oh good, because remember whoever cheats first has to take all of the dogs, including our obnoxious chihuahuas, with them...."

On that note, I promised I would call her back once I sorted things out.

I then promptly logged into Citicard's website, and low and behold, whoever stole my credit card number had been VERY busy this week...  I hope the perpetrator reads my blog, or maybe someone will share it on Facebook and it will get back to him, because I have a few things to say this person.  Here it goes....

Dearest Thief,

Today it was brought to my attention that you stole my credit card number and charged $186.71 to my Mastercard.

Your first transaction for $45, was to an Internet dating site, where I can only assume you attempted to find a cyber-sweetie.  Most likely because you are a slime bag who doesn't have a J.O.B and you must resort to the Internet because all the women in your town are already wise to your shenanigans....

Your second transaction was for a background check.  Now, buddy I actually commend you for this transaction.  It always a good idea when dating online, even at someone else's expense, to make sure that your new girlfriend's ex-husband is not missing with her as the primary suspect.  You just can't be too safe nowadays, and being that you are a lousy, low life thief, who karma is going to come back and eventually bite, I can see why you need to make sure your date does not have any skeletons in her closet!

Your third transaction was to a florist for $60.00 worth of flowers that you purchased for what I assume is your new lover.  I hope if you are using my name, you are at least sending nice flowers!  You may be tarnish my credit, but do NOT tarnish my flower reputation amongst the ladies!

Your fourth transaction was to Things Remembered, for $90.00.  These fine folks specialize in monogrammed gifts, and I am assuming that you found something real special to give to your new lady friend.

Oh, but wait!
I canceled your order!

That's right, I told them to stop the shipment and sale of the items ordered immediately, so if your plan was to get that present to your girlfriend before Wednesday via the priority shipping you had me pay for, you are screwed.

Lastly, I can forgive you for all of the grief that you have caused me tonight, but you know what I can't forgive you for?!

My girlfriend laughing, and making the remark:  "Wow, honey!  Whoever stole your credit card is more romantic than you!"

AND this is the reason, I hope you get herpes....

Much love and no antibiotics for you,


  1. Also - no antivirals, no lysine, no pain meds and no concealer! And holes in your condoms! What a despicable act! I hope you terminated the dating site, too - nothing like not being able to contact someone you luuuuv to let them know about an STD!

  2. How you kept your sense of humor here is beyond me, but you are an inspiration! Still chuckling....